df's journal

2024

24th september

how can you know until you try? when i feel myself erupt with envy and shock, when i'm beside myself from how far i've fallen behind from a predetermined misery, i instead think; have i been allowed to try at all? why do i instantly opt to blame myself for being inadequate, small, when my very sense of self has been snuffed from the get-go? yes, i will suck when i pick up a guitar again. yes, i will feel my fingers lock up. yes, i will cry. afterwards, i'll remember two things:

  1. i haven't played the guitar since my early teens
  2. i was being tortured

i’m not going to remember anything. that’s fine. it’s fine. it’s okay, i’ll make music and it’ll be okay. i still listen to music and sometimes i wake up with a fleeting melody and it’s okay. as long as i live, i’ll keep conceiving melodies, so it’s okay. maybe i’ll make an album someday. maybe i’ll play a live show someday. i’ll be okay.

12th september

11th september

i can do more, so so much more... how do i go about it? i can keep blaming abuse for making me stupid. i can keep waiting for the right chance to strike. i can keep waiting to be born. all i can ask is "why" and cover my ears. i fog up. i've never felt this suicidal in my life.

how do you reach out to somebody who has, by some twisted miracle, faced the same unique horror as you without coming off as unbecoming, hasty? how do you thank them for speaking the words you can't, and so much more elegantly than you ever could? i've known of this person for only a year-ish and i feel like i owe them my life for it, i can't contact them, i can't verbalise this. is that weird, is that bad? to want a friend?

i dreamt about Palden Lhamo. i decapitated everyone in the room.

someone help. i don't know how, just help.

my stupid ontological values: gentleness, equality, hope

7th september

feeling particularly 'other' today. i'm a little impressed and devastated about how quickly i got over yesterday's events. i understand now that i can't stop my body from retaining pain the way it does. i wasn't always like this. in this moment i feel nothing. someday i'll feel the horror i felt yesterday wring me by the neck and i'm not any smarter for noting that. at what point does death feel so imminent, feel so much more than an inevitability, so easily woven into the rhythm of your life that you become it? i'm starting to realise i lot of things i already knew.

6th september

my dad almost killed me today. there's no use in denying or hiding it anymore. i'm only alive because i didn't call the police and pussied out of leaving the house hoping someone would see my swollen face and care to ask about it. we have singlehandedly lowered the value of this entire neighbourhood. i see girls partially dressed as pigs shimmying around the piano gleefully chanting "we don't know the devil!"

5th september

my boyfriend is so gentle and i can only be as gentle back. he has really softened me, i wonder if it shows as much as it feels. no more bleeding. no more shame. no more abuse no more agony not a scrape or peel, just, the way God intended. it's nice to know love without the violence.

4th september

what do you mean people travel, go to punk shows? wake up to their significant other? look in the mirror? talk on speaker? cry? see stars? why must folks peddle these lies to me? when someone with a mind worlds more erudite than mine winds me up in their trellice what do i do? do i writhe in place waving my hand insisting no, you've got the wrong person, you don't really "get it"? what the fuck do i know? how can someone look at me that way when i can't even look at myself? horseshit. everyone wants me to see me cry. it hurts when you can tell someone doesn't give enough of a fuck to even make it known.

27th august

fainted. cant pull my trousers up after i shit, every head movement feels like a hard reset.

26th august

i remembered i have two angelgotchis, so my silver one is my sole active tama right now. i was focusing on my v2 but wanted to try something new, so baby "barf" (thanks oz) is in cryonics. i used to think angels were these unobtainable little hoaxes, now i have two. i'm not as excited as i hoped i'd be when i ordered it and when it arrived but i'll take what i can get at this point. the angels (silver and gold) were £20~ together, i was really lucky but not as lucky as i initially believed. very startling disparity in price. i wanted a devil to match but they go for £300~ MINIMUM. profound.

Things will be changing so so much soon so I can't be letting myself get too distracted. Its hard to think i'll be out of the house by '25. like really really hard, so I guess i'm trying to keep myself sane. i'm not doing too good of a job on that front however.

it feels like everything's a blur and i'm in too fissured of a state to find the time to pick apart my surroundings. even though things are pretty bad i know that theres plenty to talk about, but the turbulence of life just....makes it seem so pointless. but i DO care is the problem. i guess i'm stupid. sometimes i need to be given the OK to live. when i talk like this i think back to a younger me who talked like this only a little more overtly. but the feelings weren't as realised. just what do you call something like that?

does anyone read this? does anyone even know i'm alive? why do i care? i don't know what this is a symptom of.

17th august

I want to say this was something I've been carefully planning for a long time, but it erupted. In a way it has been a long term thing, on my mind for as long as it was established i wasn't safe here, not quite in a way that was practical as expected. this felt more like letting a large laceration open and infect itself over and over. I can't describe the sensation and urgency of the moment I realised I had to move out as soon as possible. From morning to night, up to the very moment I type this, an upheaval not at all dithered by my heart as much as i cried for it to go away. out of nowhere like someone had swapped my organs out or something while I was asleep.

abuse made me stupid. the revelation in itself has sort of paralysed me emotionally. It feels like if I don't do it, I will die. do it then feel later. and surely this kind of cosmic push is what I needed, but, I'm not happy about it, now that "i" am dying and i'm being born, it's complete static. Organising my documents, thinking about what to take with me, checking train routes daily even though I don't intend to book this early on, distracting myself from it with it. I don't feel nothing but I do feel like I'm on autopilot. I can, however, confidently say that I can't be deterred from this and it will happen. note to self: Determination and mania are two completely different things, but I was convinced otherwise. I don't know when I'm moving. Maybe October.

I guess, my entire life rides on this, so the prospect has left me horrifically numb. like, when you get so stressed that you're not stressed. I don't know. I wish I had more to say because this is a BIG DEAL, but all my words fall flat and i feel like if i say the "right words" it'll kill me on the spot. So, do I wait until I'm out and it all hits? But, why would I want to subject anyone to that? Why must it be one or the other and never inbetween with me? A normal person would be ecstatic. right now I just want to laugh bitterly at everything around me. People have been excited for me which helps, but i can't help but wonder, how is it that everyone but i can be happy about this thing that directly affects the trajectory of my life? and, of course it feels like everyone is forgetting the point, of course i feel more misunderstood than ever. Just because I don't want to talk about it in depth, or come across as cold doesn't mean I'm not taking it seriously. and im not going on vacation but narrowly evading death on a daily basis, this is my only way out of that cycle. I'm stuck, so stuck, I've been stuck for as long as I've been "alive" and i'd like people to know that i want to live.

at times i think i have no standing on whether or not anything could be "understood", but it's all moot: I was scared into submission, threatened, hurt in ways I can never talk about. Of course it was difficult. It still is. No one could have known that. i think this will be the last time i'll blame myself for being hurt. (you and) i have to realise that this isn't something to be looked at as a failure of intelligence and insight. anything can break anything. at least i came to my senses. even if i didnt it's no reason to chastise and assume inadequacy. you most likely know fuck all about your best friend. we're multifaceted creatures. it's a miracle i didn't kill myself, so now i have to keep going seeing as i've gotten this far, right? i hate that this is the best way i can carry myself. i like eating my own shit.

I want to dream about the future but i'm tired and it makes me cry like a kid. i've overexerted myself just thinking about it. All I can do is wait and let it take me when the time is right. i can't say i'm happy with a straight face, but everything i've said and done and endured up until this point has only strengthened my will to live and that's sort of what i've been praying for since i could pray. a will to live. being able to say, i want to live. I have many years to dream, even more to live them. It's only forwards from now.

28th april

i ended up getting an incredibly cut-price Thinkpad T480 (shocker). i5-8350U 8GB RAM 256GB... i really had a good reason for this, by the way. i'm not getting linux because i can't be fucked. first impressions? beautiful machine, runs like a charm, sublime touch.. it's got everything i want in a laptop and i haven't even played around with its guts yet. i didn't want another experimentally bust mclaptop that can't be repaired or modified. people assume i'm needlessly parsimonious all the time

25th april

in the hopes that writing about guilt and sin will absolve me of it. but what do i even write? how do i begin to write about it? it's shockingly easy to blame God for everything, so i get it

13th april

feeling death of absence of reserve again, there's little I can do to really rectify that. My dream last night was relatively comprehensible but nonetheless left a pit in my stomach, something about someone i hardly knew dying and, the miasma of grief, like a marionettist, taking the reins, making it worse and worse and harder to process. I woke up feeling like I had been disemboweled.

26th march

everything has been smooth sailing lately, so i hope i'm not jinxing myself.

11th march

I opened up to a close friend about something that I seldom even hinted towards, something I intended to take to the grave. I was in a fugue the whole time but I didn't regret it. Something so grisly should never have to be uttered by anybody but this kind of thing rots you from the inside. I know I shouldn't look at it like that. I still feel dizzy. I feel like everybody heard in on it, even though it was in our private chat, between nobody but us. I don't think I can ever do that again.

10th march

Whenever I feel an iota of happiness or pleasure it feels like I need to purge it. I still engage in this ouroboros of self-sabotage and torture by some Will in my mind, as if it'll eventually do the trick. What is there to speak of a "gentle soul"?

the past is starting to engulf me completely. I'm sinking into its pharynx, I'm losing my grip, every moment feels like I'm falling, i keep keep keep on silently screaming. I can't tell if I'm hurting people or if they're hurting me. I can't tell if any hurting is even going on. i need to lie down.

7th march

I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling. Like a mix of futility and amenity. I want everyone gone but I don't know what I'd do without my friends right now. I don't know what's wrong with me.

27th february

The way the sun hits the opposing house's roof's crest as it sets is captivating to me. When I see stuff like that I feel so hollow like I don't deserve to look at it, like I'm being actively barred by some force from being able to appreciate it. I don't know if it's because I want to see the sunset from somewhere else. If the sunset was right there looking me in the eye, it wouldn't be as potent. This hint of gentle light just peering from the edge; it translates to hope for me and it's viscerally upsetting.

25th february

thinking on what I wanted to say to a friend. Something about how so many of the things I partake in are against my principles because of how fixated I am on simply fitting in. I would say, is it really that big of a deal? doesn't everyone do that? But, it's inimical to my already withering identity.. so I've decided to work on that and think about what I want for once. This doesn't mean I get to be too selfish, but I've got just about nothing for myself right now and I think if I keep this up I'll disappear.

2023/earlier

lost to time...